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new song-the worst WARNING DARK.THEMES.

Technique
gshredder2112  
10 Jul 2011 01:43 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2010
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This a song writren about my ex gf and her brother.


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Guitarslinger124  
11 Jul 2011 02:17 | Quote
Joined: 25 Jul 2007
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Moderator
Cool idea, but the structure could use some words. Sentences were put together fairly well, they just didn't flow all that great. A little short too, don't you think?

Rock on!
gshredder2112  
11 Jul 2011 02:30 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2010
United States
Licks: 3
Karma: 22
Yeah it could use some work.But it really wasnt supposed to flow,its
more of a story type thing,that gives info
without rhymes and such.Like a poem.what would
you change?

M/(*-+)
gs2112
Guitarslinger124  
11 Jul 2011 02:59 | Quote
Joined: 25 Jul 2007
United States
Lessons: 12
Licks: 42
Karma: 38
Moderator
Well, I wouldn't want to put words into your story, but like I said, it could use some more length. If this is in fact more of a story, than just finish it; bring it full circle so the reader has more of a clue as to what exactly is going on here.

I wouldn't changes anything about the plot or word usage. Just smooth it out a bit.

Rock on!
gshredder2112  
11 Jul 2011 11:19 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2010
United States
Licks: 3
Karma: 22
I got ya,more of a conclusion.


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