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a scribble or a sonnet, they are really just the same

Songwriting
BodomBeachTerror  
4 Oct 2010 00:52 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
Heres the lyrics to a song i wrote today, all in one sitting. seems to be happening alot lately

"I dont know why I don't belong here anymore
I cant see why I cant see anymore
I don't know why I don't know what you mean
It took so long for me to understand and to see
That I'm not who I should be

Is it so wrong to say I don't want to go on anymore
When I'm turning out to be what I never planned to be
Is it so wrong to say I'm ready to give up
Cause I'm tired of waking up, Yeah I'm tired of waking up
In a world where I cant be free"

I know it looks short, but it spreads out to about 3 and a half minutes, so dont say "add more verses!" some lines are in need of revision, "I don't know why I don't know what you mean" in particular.
But I guess im looking for lyrical comments and advise as well as mental.
case211  
4 Oct 2010 00:55 | Quote
Joined: 26 Feb 2009
United States
Lessons: 2
Licks: 6
Karma: 24
I really like the feel that I got from reading the lyrics man. Though that will ring differently from person to person(views, upbringing, etc.)

Honestly I like the lyrics as is, but if you feel the need to change them go for it man.
MoshZilla1016  
4 Oct 2010 15:22 | Quote
Joined: 10 Jul 2010
United States
Lessons: 4
Licks: 19
Karma: 16
BodomBeachTerror says:
I don't know why I don't know what you mean


That line sounds good to me. You wrote in one sitting so you were writing what you felt at the time. If you try to change anything it may lose the original feeling. Don't worry if the grammar gets a little weird. REM got away with "I think I thought I saw you try".
BodomBeachTerror  
4 Oct 2010 15:29 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
Yeah I looked back and I noticed that the line fit more than I thought it did

I'll upload a video as soon as i can find my video camera charger, which DOESNT FREAKING EXIST
BodomBeachTerror  
6 Oct 2010 11:30 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
bump
macandkanga  
6 Oct 2010 11:42 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
Yeah. I like it the way it is. I would sing the song kinda like how Tom Petty sings, "I don know why I don know what you mean". Does that make sense?


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