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BodomBeachTerror  
21 Apr 2010 00:59 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
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Karma: 25
A really rough draft of a song im writing, just some stuff i jotted down in a wave of depression. i know i usually try to get songs mostly smoothened out before i post, but i really dont know what to do with this, so im open to suggestions

"When you told me not to weep
is when I cried
Ive lost my hope I cant see
theres a light absent from me

So many things i want to say
but you seem so far away from me
i doubt it'd matter anyway
cause i have nothing that you need

Ive become so blind that i cant see
so many thoughts but i cant speak
cause i can tell that youre not listening"
Phip  
21 Apr 2010 11:57 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
hmmmmmm could be that you haven't resolved this in your own mind yet.
What I mean is you haven't decided just what you want to say in the end. How do you feel about this? Sad or angry? both? Seems to me you have to decide on the overall tone. Some classic examples of that.....
1) please come back
2) I wish you well and hope you find happiness (lots of people say that, very few actually mean it)
3) I hope you get your heart broken and come crawling back
4) I'm gonna find someone new and make you eat your liver! (don't think that one applies to this song).

I think once you decide this issue the song will begin to (as Carl has said so many times) write itself.
Good luck
Phip
btimm  
21 Apr 2010 13:23 | Quote
Joined: 14 Dec 2009
United States
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I agree with Phip 100%, he seems to nail exactly what I was thinking. If you do decide that the song's direction (or should I say, if the song decides to take this direction) is option 2 that Phip said, it might be kinda cool if in the last chorus you changed "I've become so blind that I can't see" to "I was so blind, now I can see". Just a thought.
BodomBeachTerror  
21 Apr 2010 14:17 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
♫♪Amaaaziiing graaace♫♪

good tune.
ill see what i can do with this.. i may just scrap these lyrics for now and write something else cause i have a really nice chord progression and melody
BodomBeachTerror  
25 Apr 2010 17:42 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
some new lyrics

"Love is like shifting sand
Dissipated before my eyes
Nothing went according to plan
its just scattered in my mind

Thrown about by the clearing wind
a fish washed up on the shore
Ive been trying hard to mend
but i dont need you anymore (?)

I remember playing in the sandbox
building houses and building walls
only to find that the next day
there is nothing there at all

Ive worked so long and hard on things
that i knew would never last
im not so okay, im not alright
why wont you just ask"

ive been trying to write something to go after
"Promises like Broken strings"
but i havnt found the right lines yet
Phip  
25 Apr 2010 17:45 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Promises like broken strings
bend until they snap
the promises you made to me
were never meant to last
BodomBeachTerror  
25 Apr 2010 18:04 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
aha, i love it


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