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Bus to nowhere...

Technique
Domigan_Lefty  
14 Apr 2010 17:30 | Quote
Joined: 20 Sep 2009
United States
Karma: 8
Im have to just list parts. My computer crashed again and psp internet sux. (Text limit)

Intro: As i sit here i watch through my window, watch the playing children and working men as i pass them by.

Chorus: When can i get off this bus to nowhere? Im empty, im lonley. When can i get off this bus to nowhere? Fulfill my dreams, save my life, get me off of this bus.

Outro: Take my hand, and save my life.

Each verse is pretty long though.
Phip  
14 Apr 2010 18:55 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Ok D_L
Here's something to read while they fix your box.....
Intro: As i sit here i watch through my window, watch the playing children and working men as i pass them by.
You can't pass them by if your sitting at the window so consider changing that to "as THEY pass ME by". (or even "as life passes me by")
In the chorus you might be using the word "bus" too much. (haven't heard you sing it so...) but there are many ways to convey the idea that you feel like you're going nowhere and you depearately want to change direction. so just for fun start running off a bunch of lines that express that without using the word "bus". Jott down words that mean the same basic thing like "ride" "vehicle" "transit" etc and then see if you can conjour up a more dynamic image for the listener.
Just some ideas for you to ponder, think about, consider, digest, mull over, contemplate............LOL
give it a try.
Your concept is good, now spend some time editing over and over and make it great!
If you are interested I started a topic about lyric writing with some personal thoughts and I used you lyrics as a typical example. (hope you don't mind)
Phip
Domigan_Lefty  
14 Apr 2010 20:30 | Quote
Joined: 20 Sep 2009
United States
Karma: 8
It is mostly literal though. My bus driver once got lost on the way to school.
And i went through a severly depressed stage at the same time.

But also the "bus" stands for that path of self destruction you go down...
So im looking out the window (of the bus[a bus in motion]). Im seeing but not noticing them. (intro)
Ozzfan486  
14 Apr 2010 21:31 | Quote
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 18
I'm really liking the concept man. Keep at it. I'd like to hear this.

Ozz
Phip  
15 Apr 2010 05:47 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Domigan_Lefty says:
So im looking out the window (of the bus[a bus in motion]). Im seeing but not noticing them. (intro)

Yeah, I see now......how did I miss that?
for some stupid reason I envisioned you sitting and looking out your window at home, looking out onto the street. stupid,stupid, stupid! Ah well, back to the nursing home for afternoon tea......
Phip


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