Another day in my perfect life

"Every day, I wait for the night,
Where I live with you, in my perfect life.
I Lay my head on my pillow and slowly close my eyes.

In my perfect life, there is no night.
We live together under the sunlight.
We walk through the garden. under the dreamy sky.

In my perfect life, we walk through the sky.
Flying higher than a rainbow kite,
You turn to me and say, you never wanna leave this place.

But no, I cant stay
the alarm clock is pulling me out of this place
We'll wait another day
another day."

Something i wrote in about 10 minutes. i need at least one more section, cause its not even 2 minutes long. and i figure i can get alot out of this theme, so may as well write the crap out of it

Needs a little work mayb, but I liked it. Maybe use more metaphors to turn it a less surypy :P... less drama, more mood... anyway, I like to see where this is goin... cheers m8.

Empirism

how do you mean exactly?

Mmm, like

more: "In my perfect life, we walk through the sky.
Flying higher than a rainbow kite,"

Less: "I Lay my head on my pillow and slowly close my eyes."
"You turn to me and say, you never wanna leave this place."

I think your strenght is in metaphors and I think lines like above are bit too how you say, corny or surypy, that I think little spoil it.

"We walk through the garden. under the dreamy sky."
this is ok, not too corny.

but anyway this is quite promising m8.
Empirism

oh okay i see what your saying, thanks

*bump* Any body else?

how about this metaphor? im not really sure about it
"Here we are, theres not a sound
side by side like a pair of hounds"

instead of "I Lay my head on my pillow and slowly close my eyes."
"Wrap myself in a quilt and close my eyes."
doesnt seem quite as cliche to me, and the quilt makes it seem cold and dreary?

and which is better?
"Eyes glowing like fireflies" or "eyes glowing like a diamond mine"

I like the former better personally. "pair of hounds" sounds kinda forced rhyming, no offense. It just doesn't to my ear like it would just flow, ya know?

Speaking of fireflies, a good song by the Lawrence Arms refers to "fireflies at our lips" when he talks about cigarettes, which I thought was a cool way to describe it. Maybe that is why I prefer the fireflies part, dunno.

oh and also keep in mind that the song is about dreams and the completely naive idea of a perfect world. so theres bound to be some cheesey or corny-ness to it.

yeah i get what you're saying, to you it sounds forced, and i understand that. but to me it kinda sounds like the way a child would write it, if you get what im saying? it seems to add to the naiveness of the whole song.

I think potentially if I heard the music with it, maybe that could change things. I am not very good about just reading the lyrics and hearing it in my head I suppose.

i did a quick recording, some of the lyrics i made up on the fly, sooo just ignore the ones that have massive hesitation
http://www.myspace.com/bloodandbiscuitsband

bump..

Cheers man! I liked it, I was little surprised the song mood behind it, but it was cool.

It could need a bit mixing and mastering. Theres much string noises that should keep as low volume as possible. Little there should be a left still to make it more moody.

Nicely played and singed btw

Cheers
Empirism

I like it a lot man. Sorry it took a while to give it a listen. TO me, it sounds like a mix between Pavement and a group called Sebadoh. I am not sure if you have heard of them, but if you haven't you need to check them out. Lou Barlow is the man.

Back to the point of the thread though, yeah man, I really like this a lot, especially hearing the music with the lyrics.

Just one thought I had though. I don't know the chord names or anything like that since I am still so green, but when you go to the second part of the last line of each verse, like when you reach the word "under" in "under the dreamy sky" for example, what do you think about two chords there that get progressively lower in pitch and kinda leads into the main chord with a sort of resolution?

Forgive me if I am out of line here, you may not be asking for this type of commenting at all. Just throwing my $0.02 out there for whatever that is worth.

@ BBT,
What a cool song! It is as advertised, a "dream" song. Only thing missing was an outro where you whistle as it fades. Seriously, considering the fact that you don't own a million dollar studio and this was a quick demo I liked the mood and tempo. AND it was DIFFERENT from the usual offerings so I was pleased. All the "little" things like lyrics, singing, stirng buzz etc are fixable but what you have is a solid foundation for a catchy little tune, so BRAVO!
Phip
edit: was just thinking this would be great on a uke

Me likes this, Tanner. I couldn't say anything by just reading the lyrics but now that I listened to the thing I find it rather good.
Of course there's a few things you may want to fix but I suppose you're not in a hurry so in a little time you're gonna be over that.
I can't give you in any suggestions about the lyrics, like the 'forced rhyme' and such and I'm not good with metaphors either but that's probably because I'm not a native speaker of English so please don't mind me not helping on that.
As for the recording, yes, it's obviously a quickie so I'm not gonna complain about that but I'd say that you'd give a better picture of the whole song if you'd transpose it a little higher. You can try that without recording it and if it sounds ****e you can just tell us it doesn't sound good but you can at least try.
Have you thought about having this thing on the song, I don't know what it's called but it's like when just past the half of it you do a sort of digression where you use a chord progression that's not like the verse or chorus at all, a sort of a peek in the song. You can think about that the whistling outro Phip mentioned. He might have been joking about it but I think it'd be rather nice.

Thanks guys, i was beginning to think it sucked =p

As for the mood, honestly when i read the lyrics it seems to me like it should be a really happy skippy tune. but along with the chords, while not sad, they kinda give it a sadder feel to it. so its kinda like longing for a perfect life like the one in the song. idk

@Phip, i was actually thinking of a whistling outro, or one of the falsetto "oooh" ones. i was thinking about playing it on a ukulele too, ill have to borrow my sisters and figure out all the chords.

@Mici, yeah since i recorded it ive been playing it a step higher, not much higher, but its something. you mean like a bridge or an interlude? thats what i was thinking with the "Am F Am F Am G" progression (the one that is different than the one at the start) buuut it kinda turned into more of a chorus deal.

Since you said it wasn't complete I thought you meant that as a chorus and were gonna sing it again once you'd figured out another verse.

And yeah, why not try a falsetto thingy, too. You could do both, you know, a kind of combination.

UMMM how did the lyrics finally turn out? can you post the completed ones?
I really think all you need to do is relax and let your voice express the "dream fantasy" mood of the lyrics. By that I mean giving the vocals a more "bouncy" feel. The more you play it and focus less on the playing (because you've played it a million times) you'll be able to experiment with your vocal range. It's not like you have to meet some sort of deadline so my guess is that the more comfortable you get with the song the better IT is going to get.
Phip
and YES extend the chords at the end of the song and whistle your way out. then apply a fade to that section. it would "make" the song IMO.

I have 2 lines i need to finish, then i'll post them

well hurry up will ya? I ain't gettin' any younger, as Vince will gladly tell ya! LOL

haha

Every day, I wait for the night,
Where I live with you, in my perfect life.
wrap myself in a blanket and close my eyes.

In my perfect life, there is no night.
We live together under the sunlight.
We walk through the garden. under the dreamy sky.

In my perfect life, we walk through the sky.
Flying higher than a rainbow kite,
You turn to me and say, you never wanna leave this place.

But no, dont wanna go
The morning light pulling me out of this null
*unwritten*

Here we are, just you and me
gazing up at the endless sea
as were laying down in an endless field of green

Here we are, theres not a sound *we can't be found?*
Were side by side like a pair of hounds
*Unwritten

But no, I cant stay
the alarm clock is pulling me out of this place
We'll wait another day
another day.
*whistle-outtage*