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EMB5490  
10 Mar 2009 19:25 | Quote
Joined: 10 Feb 2008
United States
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heres one o the funniest jokes ever if you watch family guy

2 jews walk into a bar....THEY BUY IT!

2 jews walk into a supermarket...the declare it unkosha...and the buy it!!!

lol im jewish...soo...
EMB5490  
10 Mar 2009 19:28 | Quote
Joined: 10 Feb 2008
United States
Lessons: 1
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Karma: 31
and who could forget

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqJvesPsiNQ

they wouldnt let me embed it.

btw the family guy thing, WAAY funnier if youve seen or heard the voice he says it in.

6StringEvil  
11 Mar 2009 06:45 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
Q.Why were there lipstick marks on the blonde's car's steering wheel?
A. She was trying to blow the horn.

Q. whats blue, black and brown and lying in a ditch by the road?
A. A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes

Q. How many politicians does it take to fix a light bulb?
A. 100. one to fix it and the rest 99 to take the credit.

Q. Whats black, crispy and hanging from the ceiling?
A. The one politician who messed up.

A horse goes to a bar and sits on the bar stool. The bartender says,"so why the long face?"
Musical_Magic  
12 Mar 2009 20:32 | Quote
Joined: 29 May 2008
United States
Karma
Hold up, were were talking about chickens? WERE IS OUR BIRD


OHhhhhhh Hhheathher1!!!!!!
BodomBeachTerror  
13 Mar 2009 00:22 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
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macandkanga  
13 Mar 2009 17:38 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
Steven Wright: My friend has H.D.A.D.H.D. He could barely pay attention but when he does.....it's incredible.
Ozzfan486  
13 Mar 2009 18:08 | Quote
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
United States
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Karma: 18
What's that?
6StringEvil  
18 Mar 2009 06:50 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
Two ***s were looking at Travel Brochures at a Travel Agency.

One of them said: "Let's try Greece this year."

The other answered: "Why? What's wrong with
Vaseline?"
6StringEvil  
18 Mar 2009 06:50 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
thats supposed to be 'g@ys'
Dyl4N  
18 Mar 2009 18:45 | Quote
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Mexico
Karma: 2
@6stringsevil:
Dude...ur joke crack me up jajajajaja...it was funny!!!
EMB5490  
18 Mar 2009 18:46 | Quote
Joined: 10 Feb 2008
United States
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lololololol
BodomBeachTerror  
18 Mar 2009 20:23 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
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that was disgusting lol
Ozzfan486  
18 Mar 2009 20:52 | Quote
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
United States
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rofl. Haha nice one 6string.
soy.el.che  
18 Mar 2009 21:18 | Quote
Joined: way back
Mexico
Lessons: 1
Karma: 9
http://occasionalplanet.com/id15.html
pretty random vid... in spanish, a very... well, i fckn love this vid.
its bout what happens when the clouds go down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXYCdWtw_Uw

ok
a joke

a friend went to study to canada.. his english sucks..the first thing they told him was:
"im hungry"
he said
"im charlie"
ok, that was a true story.

Wanna end with poverty and hunger in africa?
eat an african
NEver hit a man with glasses, do it with a hammer
6StringEvil  
19 Mar 2009 08:20 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
OK, here's another of my wicked jokes(underage members please excuse) :
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?

A: Because her boyfriendís blonde, too.

**********************************************************************
Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a 'Passionate Embrace'. Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

**********************************************************************
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Talking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
vincejonesiii  
20 Mar 2009 07:41 | Quote
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
United States
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Karma: 13
AQHAHAHAH LOL UBER LEET
6StringEvil  
24 Mar 2009 08:18 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the
first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens,
cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that
the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of
things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "There's no one around for miles,
why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This
seemed to cheer the nephew up, and off he went, dogs in trail.

That afternoon, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?"
asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
6StringEvil  
24 Mar 2009 08:19 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
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After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and the headlines in the US papers read:
'US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.'

One week later, Indian daily newspapers reported the following:

'After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using Bluetooth and Wireless technology.
Gr1ffs  
24 Mar 2009 17:09 | Quote
Joined: 23 Mar 2009
United States
Karma
Heres some good Chuck Norris jokes.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.

Mr. T and Chuck Norris walk into a bar and they both order a drink. Mr. T says to Norris, "Hey, Chuck, How about a game of Connect-4?" Chuck Norris says, "Sure." Mr. T then proceeds to beat Chuck at the game of Connect-4. Infuriated, Chuck Norris invents racism.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris invented Grape soda.

Chuck Noris only needs three moves to win connect four.

chuck norris doesnt find chuck norris jokes funny. But then again, his idea of humour is punching mexican babies in the face.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors.

Go to google and type in 'Find Chuck Norris' and then press the i'm feeling lucky button.

Chuck Norris doens't die when he falls off a cliff, Chuck Norris kills the Earth.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.

We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

Ther is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck norris has allowed to survive.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.

Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris dosen't cut his grass, he dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris leaned on the tower of piza, it fell over but brought back up when Chuck Norris looked at it.

Chuck norris Was stabbed in the back. The knife bled to death

chuck norris can find waldo!!

jesus may be able to walk on water..but water parts in fear of chuck norris!!!
If you spell CHUCK NORRIS in scrabble, you win forever!

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag he POTATOE SACKS!

If Chuck Norris can see you, and you can see him you're safe, but if Chuck Norris can see you and you can't see him you're only moments from death.

If you have a Dollar and Chuck Norris has a Dollar,Hes still has more money than you.

Chuck Norris can drown water.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep he waits.

Chuck Norris went on vacation to the Virgin Islands, when he returned they were just the Islands.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris tried to commit suicide but he couldn't He shot himself but the bullet died.

When chuck norris jumps in water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck norrised.

Chuck Norris can pop a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris is what Willis is talkin' 'bout.

Chuck Norris Makes Onions Cry.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the Earth down.



6StringEvil  
24 Mar 2009 22:28 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
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@gr1ffs
Good ones
btw, welcome to the forum. Are you in US Armed Forces in Afghanistan?
jcb3000  
25 Mar 2009 03:28 | Quote
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
United Kingdom
Karma: 4
Gr1ffs says:
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand


i can genuinly do that.
BodomBeachTerror  
25 Mar 2009 10:38 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
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yeah i think everyone can lol
EMB5490  
25 Mar 2009 16:03 | Quote
Joined: 10 Feb 2008
United States
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lol i love those.
Empirism  
25 Mar 2009 16:33 | Quote
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Finland
Lessons: 4
Karma: 35
Lol, Chuck Norris xD... There been missed one...

"House of Chuck Norris have no doors, Chuck Norris do not need doors, he just walks through walls"
macandkanga  
25 Mar 2009 17:01 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.
Chuck Norris plays poker with Tarot cards. Someone always dies.
Empirism  
25 Mar 2009 17:10 | Quote
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Finland
Lessons: 4
Karma: 35
Rofl!

Should we make one too?

Chuck Norris is fastest shredder, he plays all the notes simultaneously.
league  
29 Mar 2009 14:39 | Quote
Joined: way back
United States
Lessons: 2
Karma: 10
Ok I dont know if anyones heard this one

How does every single racist joke start?

(looks around the room for a minority)

That one is funnier when its acted out.

This one is for Soyelche and all the Spanish speakers:

Argentino1: Que huele a bosque

Argentino2: A bosque?

Argentino1: A voz que te cagaste.
league  
29 Mar 2009 14:42 | Quote
Joined: way back
United States
Lessons: 2
Karma: 10
What would happen if immigration law passed and 1.2 million undocumented immigrants were deported?

thats 2 less weddings to worry about.

-George Lopez






Hey do you like to rap?

(victim answers)Yeah

Then wrap your tongue around my D!*k

MuseFan  
29 Mar 2009 15:02 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jan 2009
United Kingdom
Karma: 4
Chuck norris is the only man to beat the wall at wall tennis
Chuck norris can touch mc hammer :P
6StringEvil  
31 Mar 2009 06:37 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
more Chuck Norris jokes............

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can play the violin...... ...with a piano.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... ....
he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to
Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal
insult.

There is nothing like recession , its just that Chuck Norris started to save money
6StringEvil  
31 Mar 2009 06:40 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
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A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to sre the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."
6StringEvil  
31 Mar 2009 06:48 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
btw, you can check chucknorrisfacts.com for more Chuck Norris jokes.
JazzMaverick  
31 Mar 2009 15:08 | Quote
Joined: 28 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Lessons: 24
Licks: 37
Karma: 47
Moderator
@ League, I got everything but "bosque" but i still didn't get the joke though. :P sorry!
Pager  
1 Apr 2009 03:21 | Quote
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Australia
Karma
What happens when you chuck a piano down a mine shaft???
A Flat Minor

Did u hear about the pianist who played in time...?
Neither did I...

How do you make 1 million dollars playing the piano?
Start with 2 million

ok...

3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told our families what had happened'.
The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw the other guy coming down the hill with 10 pineapples.
BodomBeachTerror  
1 Apr 2009 10:59 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
B sharp or B flat lol
shreadhead96  
15 Apr 2009 15:11 | Quote
Joined: 13 Apr 2009
United States
Karma: 3
i got 1 A brunette, red head, and a blonde are running from the cops so they go to a potato farm. They each hide in a pile of potatoes. A cop taps on the first pile and the brunete says MEOW, so the cop thinks theres a cat. He goes to the next and the red head says ARFF ARFF , the cop thinks its a dog, he goes to the last one and the blonde says POTATO!!! (sorry to offend any blondes i love blonde jokes)
JazzMaverick  
15 Apr 2009 15:13 | Quote
Joined: 28 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Lessons: 24
Licks: 37
Karma: 47
Moderator
¨.¨ You win some, you lose some. You're forgiven this time!!
shreadhead96  
15 Apr 2009 16:02 | Quote
Joined: 13 Apr 2009
United States
Karma: 3
was my joke funny
macandkanga  
15 Apr 2009 16:23 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
4 out of 5 dentist choose Crest over other leading brands. Chuck Norris can kill 5 out of 4 dentists.
shreadhead96  
17 Apr 2009 12:36 | Quote
Joined: 13 Apr 2009
United States
Karma: 3
CHUCK NORRIS HAS ONE BALL!!!!!! its true look it up
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