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Nutter166  
6 Mar 2009 13:23 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
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Karma: 14

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep.
She looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts
and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'


-------
Jesus, Moses, and an old man with a beard are playing golf.

Moses tees off first and knocks the ball into a water hazard. He walks up to the pond, parts the water, and hits the ball into the hole.

Jesus is next off, and he also hits the ball into the hazard. He walks out onto the water and hits the ball into the hole.

The old man tees off and hits the ball wayyy off the course onto a truck windshield, where the ball bounces off onto a lilly pad in the water hazard. A frog then leaps up and grabs the ball, only to be subsequently snatched by an eagle. As the frog is over the green, he drops the ball into the hole for a hole in one.

Moses turns to Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad!"
Phip  
6 Mar 2009 16:05 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
@ Afro,
ooooooh man you are one sick puppy! haha YOU WIN I hate it when I laugh so hard at sick disgusting jokes! LOLOLOLOL

@ Nutter,
Great jokes!

Phip

Ok, so soy el che is working in the produce department at the local market and one day a big tall gringo dude comes up to him and says
"son, I'd like to buy me a half a head of lettuce".
Soy,(heretofore to be called Alf) looks a bit puzzled and asks the dude to repeat himself.
Dude says "Son, I'd like to buy me a half a head of lettuce".
Alf says, "Sir, I don't know if i can sell you a half a head of lettuce. No one ever asked for that before. I'm going to have to ask my manager".
So, Alf goes off into the back room and walks up to the manager and says....
"Hey boss, there's some *ssh*le out there who wants to buy a half a head of lettuce"!
right then he realizes that the dude is standing right behind him! So he turns around real quickly, puts his hand on the dudes shoulder and says....
"And this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half"!

Yeah, I know, it's an old one
Phipster
Nutter166  
6 Mar 2009 16:29 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
What's the definition of cruelty?
Hanging a one armed ethiopian off a cliff with a snickers bar in his pocket.

There's three men sitting in a bar drinking beer; a Frenchmen, a Scotsman and an Englishman.
They start discussing there sex lifes and the Frenchman says:
'After having sex I give my wife a wonderful foot massage it's so good she floats a foot above the bed'
They all agree that it's impressive but the Scotsman goes:
'After having sex I serinade my wife she likes it so much she floats 3foot above the bed'
Again they agree this is impressive, they all take a pull of there beer and the Englishman says:
'That's nothing, after sex I wipe my male genitalia on the wall and she hits the f***ing roof'
Phip  
7 Mar 2009 06:58 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dog. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her, "No, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms."

I continued to tell her, "It was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again."

I have to mention that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her, "No, I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me."

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore
brodyxhollow  
7 Mar 2009 07:28 | Quote
Joined: 04 Feb 2008
United States
Karma: 2
LOL i love that joke phip.
Ozzfan486  
7 Mar 2009 10:33 | Quote
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 18
hahahaha!!! Thats classic Phip!
blackholesun  
7 Mar 2009 11:05 | Quote
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
United Kingdom
Licks: 1
Karma: 11
Moderator
That's hilarious Phip!

I don't know any good jokes myself, but I know someone who does...





JazzMaverick  
7 Mar 2009 19:12 | Quote
Joined: 28 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Lessons: 24
Licks: 37
Karma: 47
Moderator
I love Michael Mcintyre, he's a legend.
Dyl4N  
7 Mar 2009 22:32 | Quote
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Mexico
Karma: 2
i guess che has to agreed that polo polo rocks..but is in spanish...jajaja...so good comedian...many good jokes from mexico...but all in spanish :(, if anyone wants me to post them in spanish...well just ask it :P
macandkanga  
9 Mar 2009 15:02 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
Q: How many Spanish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Juan
Heather  
9 Mar 2009 16:08 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Licks: 2
Karma: 19
Hahaaha! Phip's made me laugh pretty hard!
Phip  
9 Mar 2009 16:11 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
@ Heather,
new avatar eh? who's a good Heather? YOUUUURRR a good Heather, now sit! shake!
goooooood girl LOL
Phip
Heather  
9 Mar 2009 16:17 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Licks: 2
Karma: 19
Hey! Don't be a predudice, Phip! As if it wasn't degradeing enough that I was taught to drive that car by a goo-goo voiced person waveing dog biscuits in my face until I learnt how to steer!

AND they ate ALL my dog food for thier 'Purina diet', it's a seriously bad trend (yes, that's right. The purina diet exists!)
Phip  
9 Mar 2009 16:27 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
hahaha
Touche' kiddo!
Hey if you are driving to WalMart pay attention where you're going. I just got out of the hospital.
phip
Heather  
9 Mar 2009 16:34 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Licks: 2
Karma: 19
Haha! Will do Phip, although I can't promise you anything, I drive a 4x4 and you know what those things are like for safety issues!
blackholesun  
9 Mar 2009 17:06 | Quote
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
United Kingdom
Licks: 1
Karma: 11
Moderator
I heard that chickens are notoriously bad at steering as well.
Heather  
9 Mar 2009 17:13 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Licks: 2
Karma: 19
We are not! Whoops. BHS, don't let my identity get figured out! You'd better pray they don't know about a certian chicken, if you get me :D
macandkanga  
9 Mar 2009 17:20 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: to morph into a dog.
blackholesun  
9 Mar 2009 17:29 | Quote
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
United Kingdom
Licks: 1
Karma: 11
Moderator
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the other... erm.
Empirism  
9 Mar 2009 17:29 | Quote
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Finland
Lessons: 4
Karma: 35
Lol!, hmm... but if think that philosphically... it might be like...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.

Emily **inson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Othello: Jealousy.

Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
misplaced concreteness.

Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Constable: To get a better view.
Phip  
9 Mar 2009 17:29 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
@ heather,
keep the doggy avatar! I like pups. And then when you get really old like me you can switch to a bassett hound! LOL




Ol' Yeller

macandkanga  
9 Mar 2009 17:40 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
Mike the Headless Chicken (April 1945 March 1947) was a Wyandotte rooster that lived for 18 months after its head had been cut off.
BodomBeachTerror  
9 Mar 2009 17:45 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
macandkanga says:
Mike the Headless Chicken (April 1945 March 1947) was a Wyandotte rooster that lived for 18 months after its head had been cut off.


r u serious??
macandkanga  
9 Mar 2009 17:49 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
This is a true story. I was watching a documentary on the history of the chicken one night (seriously) and I saw this story. I looked it up on the internet and it's true!
jcb3000  
9 Mar 2009 17:52 | Quote
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
United Kingdom
Karma: 4
lol emp what an insight into why the chicken crossed the road! douglas adams must be right with the meaning of life but what is the question that must be asked to receive such an answer?
macandkanga  
9 Mar 2009 18:47 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
Two of my favorite Far Sides with chickens:


BodomBeachTerror  
9 Mar 2009 19:00 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
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Karma: 25
lol i love farside
Ozzfan486  
9 Mar 2009 20:02 | Quote
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 18
Oh, these are good. Heres mine.

q - How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

a - 2 but I have no idea how they got in there.
Ozzfan486  
9 Mar 2009 20:13 | Quote
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 18
A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"

"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."

"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
Nutter166  
10 Mar 2009 02:40 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
lool Ozz you got the 69er (69th post)
whoo 69'ers ftw lol
6StringEvil  
10 Mar 2009 07:34 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
you guys are cracking me up...especially after a hard day at work, its great to read such funny stuff.

@Empirism
Keep it up.
6StringEvil  
10 Mar 2009 07:40 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
Q.Whats the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic?
A.I don't know and I dont care.


A.One
Q.How many pyschics does it take to fix a light bulb?
6StringEvil  
10 Mar 2009 08:00 | Quote
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
India
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
Q. Whats the height of disappointment?
A. A blonde finding out that Phillip's 14-inch is actually a TV.
Heather  
10 Mar 2009 13:07 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Licks: 2
Karma: 19
You guys are cracking me up!
vincejonesiii  
10 Mar 2009 13:09 | Quote
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 13
oh ouch
Ozzfan486  
10 Mar 2009 15:48 | Quote
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 18
6StringEvil says:
Q. Whats the height of disappointment?
A. A blonde finding out that Phillip's 14-inch is actually a TV.



rofl!!! I laughed ssoooooo hard dude!! lol.
macandkanga  
10 Mar 2009 16:52 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
I gave my wife a toaster and a d**do for her birthday. She said "I understand the toaster but what's the d**do for?" I said, "if you don't like the toaster you can go f**K yourself!"
macandkanga  
10 Mar 2009 17:07 | Quote
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
United States
Karma: 21
I just heard Russell Brand on Howard Stern. What a facinating and funny guy! Have any of you heard of him? I'm sure the Brits have. What do you think?
GRX40  
10 Mar 2009 18:57 | Quote
Joined: 20 Mar 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 2
macandkanga says:
I just heard Russell Brand on Howard Stern. What a facinating and funny guy! Have any of you heard of him? I'm sure the Brits have. What do you think?


I haven't seen him but I saw the commercials for his special on Comedy Central. He was talking about how women trust him because they think he's g@y, then all of a sudden, *BAM* She's pregnant!, and there's soon there's a whole new generation of babies he made. I thought it was pretty funny. :)
Ozzfan486  
10 Mar 2009 19:09 | Quote
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 18
Yeah he's pretty good. I seen him host some awards show a few months back. MTV Music Awards I think.

Haha, thats a killer one Mac.
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