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Hmmm..new song, I need helps with a verse please =]

Songwriting
Nutter166  
24 Feb 2009 15:04 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
Hur! Well I got bored and rather down over the last week and wrote a song in about 10minutes, looking over it now, minus the spelling errors and little breaks in the rhythem, the only weak bits I'm seeing (and asking for advice on) are:

Third Verse
-
I never noticed you,
How your hair fell around you,
And matched your eyes;

I beg you for forgiveness,
Cause I've thrown it all away,
And I'm left with nothing now;

---

Last Chorus/Outro
-
I'm not very good at finding a grip,
I'm not very good at falling through,
the darkening sky;

I'm only good when I've got you,
To stop this paranoia;

I'm not very good at being with people,
For that I apologise;
soy.el.che  
24 Feb 2009 16:06 | Quote
Joined: way back
Mexico
Lessons: 1
Karma: 9
girl, ill be honest now
I never really noticed you,
How your hair fell all around
together with your eyes, it was all but untrue

I beg you for forgiveness,
cause for sayin sorry its now too late
u made me realize I threw it all away,
And I'm left with nothing now;


thats the way i would leave it.. hope u like it
Phip  
24 Feb 2009 18:23 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Nutter,
ok i'll take a shot at this...........
take what you like (if anything)

I never really noticed you,
how your hair falls on your face
and the color of your eyes;


canít you please forgive me,
pretend I never fell from grace,
and threw it all away;
---

Last Chorus/Outro
-
I am somehow less without you
Living isnít life without you
I stumble in the dark;






I'm only strong when Iím with you,
To take away my fear;

I'm not happy on my own,
Iím not that kind of guy;
Phip
Nutter166  
25 Feb 2009 00:49 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
O.o both exceptionally good, I want your lyrical geniuses! I'll see what I can get tomorrow, I'm not home tonight to work on it.


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