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my first crack at it.

Songwriting
ironman91313  
18 Sep 2008 21:07 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
United States
Karma: 2
ok first off lets get this straight, I KNOW IT SUCKS!! no need to post that, unless you are really inclined to, but atleast gimme some constuctive critism if you do.

this my first attempt at writing, so bear with it.
ESCAPE

wake up, once again.
to this world of dread.
hateful thoughts in my head.
of the tears and blood shed.

All that I lost, all that I gained
Is lost if I remain
There is nothing here for me
so its time for me to just leave


please any tips, its obviously not done.


also im having trouble thinking of riffs, and composition to go along with it, so any advice on that is greatly appreciated.

its supposed to be a slower, darker song that lead up to some cool faster stuff. (think good mourning/black friday)




TheAmericanBrit  
18 Sep 2008 21:20 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
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drvgedrg
ironman91313  
18 Sep 2008 21:22 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
United States
Karma: 2
thanks i'll take that into consideration.
TheAmericanBrit  
18 Sep 2008 21:25 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
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I'm sorry, I had to test something out. You were the casualty.
EMB5490  
18 Sep 2008 22:09 | Quote
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lol
Doz  
19 Sep 2008 07:36 | Quote
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What is it about?
vincejonesiii  
19 Sep 2008 07:47 | Quote
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HUH??
EMB5490  
19 Sep 2008 08:30 | Quote
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is ther a link?
league  
19 Sep 2008 09:49 | Quote
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Come on guys just give him some feedback.

It was good for a first try now try a couple of lines that dont rhyme and practice without rhyming.
Empirism  
19 Sep 2008 10:36 | Quote
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Finland
Lessons: 4
Karma: 35
first verse was ok, but

"Is lost if I remain
There is nothing here for me
so its time for me to just leave"

i found that little hard to arrange or rythm it... (thinking for heavy metal song)

consider as continue...

Hateful thoughts, where I remain
follow me like infernal chain
fate of mine is all to blame
Nothing here, I head to the flame.

or something like that... or then not! is up to you ofc :D

cheers, hard to say is it good or bad, for me its promising and will hear that when we hear that in finished song ^^.

cheers!
Phip  
19 Sep 2008 11:37 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Sounds like a suicide note, so DON'T. Meanwhile while you are still here amongst the living......
I like the first three lines but i have some thoughts that i'll share.
wake up, once again.
to this world of dread.
hateful thoughts in my head.
of the tears and blood shed.
the fourth line, what if it said something like
"got the news, Johnny's dead"
You could build the whole song about this fictional guy named Johnny.
Maybe he killed himself. maybe he died in a car accident. maybe he was murdered by thugs or died in the war, whatever.
you can use Johnny to explain why life sucks and isn't worth living.
You could actually save how he died until the end of the song.
Meanwhile the lyrics are about this dude or how his family and friends mourn and wether he will be missed or how his life had meaning or not. lots of room to build the song. You get to make your point through the telling of the story. Kill off Johnny and you get to live and contribute to the forum.
I like that!
anyway just some thoughts.
Phip
ironman91313  
20 Sep 2008 19:50 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
United States
Karma: 2
no this is not about suicide. I just realized how much it sounds like it though haha, that was not my intention. Its just about me not liking where i am right now, and just wanting to leave.

@phip thats a cool idea, but i think i would need a more unique name than johnny. Johnny really doesnt stick out that much.
BodomBeachTerror  
20 Sep 2008 20:16 | Quote
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Common name, common problems.. thatd be cool if made like a concept album
Phip  
20 Sep 2008 20:17 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
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@ironman91313
Yeah, don't take that literally, you could call him Melvin, it really doesn't matter what the name is, could be a girl too.
try out the concept and see where it takes you.
Phip
Phip  
20 Sep 2008 20:58 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
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Moderator
Just an example of what can be done.
I cranked this out in about 10 minutes......

The Ballad Of Johnny

The day we stood at the lonely graveside
I couldnít help but think about Johnnyís life
He was a hell of a guy
And that ainít no lie

It was mid September and we were all getting high
I remember Johnny said that he wanted to die
In an unusual way
Looks like he got his way

Pull up Johnny youíre flying too low
Makiní other men aint the way to go
But he just couldnít hear
I think johnny was queer

He never told his mama that he wanted to dance
With the UPS guy who didnít wear any pants
Sometimes heíd dress in drag
He was a freakin douche bag

Later that year when we had to go
Johnny pissed his name in the fresh fallen snow
Then he looked my way
Thatís when I knew Johnny was gay

Pull up Johnny youíre flying too low
Makiní other men aint the way to go
But he just couldnít hear
I think johnny was queer

I put away the snake and I zipped up my pants
I wasnít in the mood for makin romance
With another dude
Johnny's gonna be fish food

I took him to the river and I threw him in
I watched him float away as I reached for the gin
It was a good dayís work
Johnny was a fuckin jerk

Pull up Johnny youíre flying too low
Makiní other men aint the way to go
But he just couldnít hear
I think johnny was queer

So, now for some practical experience YOU write the final last two verses to wrap this song up. MAKE IT GOOD.
Everyone is welcome to take a try at it.
Good writing....
Phip
BodomBeachTerror  
20 Sep 2008 21:08 | Quote
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roflol!
JazzMaverick  
21 Sep 2008 08:48 | Quote
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Moderator
That's a really creative idea Phip! Five stars! :D

I know you've said it's not meant to be a suicide note, but those who read it will probably think it is, relate and do the same thing.

Remember that people will listen to it and try to relate, so it's important to send out a message that can help them to keep going, have something to live for. Or to dream of a better place and get there eventually.
ironman91313  
22 Sep 2008 20:20 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
United States
Karma: 2
I see what you mean Jazz, but every song can be taken the wrong way. I mean have you ever heard "Better by Me, Better Than you" by Judas Priest. Somebody committed suicide listening to that, and of course everyone said it was the music. I listened to that song numerous times and I still cannot hear the suicidal attributes of the song.

The main idea is that everyone takes something different from a song.


Veqq  
22 Sep 2008 20:27 | Quote
Joined: 18 May 2008
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Um... Iron man, they said there were subliminal messages in it... Furthermore, it was a cover and the lyrics have nothing to do with suicide...
ironman91313  
22 Sep 2008 20:32 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
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isnt that what i said?
BodomBeachTerror  
22 Sep 2008 20:33 | Quote
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i think people commiting suicide cuz of music is bull crap.
ironman91313  
22 Sep 2008 20:34 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
United States
Karma: 2
as do I.

I think people committing suicide itself is stupid.


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