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Some new lyrics (9/12/2008)

Songwriting
TheAmericanBrit  
12 Sep 2008 17:00 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
United States
Karma: 1
"You're running around in your circle, losing your very sight.
If you looked at yourself any closer, you'd see man without his

life.
I've got strength in the father. My mother? She's alright.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. But, at least I can sleep at night.


I know I'm a grungy man.
But, it's all dandy and swell.
I don't have smoothest hands.
But, it's ok. I say, "Oh well".


I say,
La la la-la, la-la la la.
La la la-la, la la la la."


Verse: G, A7, C
Chorus: D7/D, G, C, A7

---------------

They aren't finished, but whatever.

I wrote it as a just a fun little up-beat song.
JazzMaverick  
12 Sep 2008 17:03 | Quote
Joined: 28 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Lessons: 24
Licks: 37
Karma: 47
Moderator
Not bad at all.

The dandy and swell part I'm not too sure about, but everything else is pretty good so far.

Keep it up :D
Phip  
12 Sep 2008 19:16 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
@Skold,
I don't know, but it seems kind of "choppy" rhythm wise.
these lines.....

"I know I'm a grungy man.
But, it's all dandy and swell.
I don't have smoothest hands.
But, it's ok. I say, "Oh well".

They could prob be redone.

I can't put a beat to this song. I'm thinking maybe it needs some serious work. Not up to the quality of your latest stuff.
Sorry buddy I don't want to be a downer.
Still a fan,
Phip

TheAmericanBrit  
12 Sep 2008 19:55 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
United States
Karma: 1
Update

--------------------

You're running around in your circle, losing your very sight.
If you looked at yourself any closer, you'd see man without his life.
I've got strength in the father. My mother? Well, She's alright.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. But, I can sleep at night.


I know I'm a grungy man.
It's never dandy and swell.
I don't have smoothest hands.
But, it's ok. I say, "very well".

I say,
La la la-la, la-la la la.
La la la-la, la la la la.


I think you are tired of living life that way.
You can trust in the provider to keep you day by day.
It's never ever easy to give your life away.
But if we're gonna be talking easy, what is, anyway?



I know I'm a grungy man.
It's never dandy and swell.
I don't have smoothest hands.
But, it's ok. I say, "very well".

I say,
La la la-la, la-la la la.
La la la-la, la la la la.

--------------------
CTown  
13 Sep 2008 00:19 | Quote
Joined: 14 Jul 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
I thought this part was cool and well put together.
TheAmericanBrit says:
I've got strength in the father. My mother? She's alright.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. But, at least I can sleep at night.


I'm not a fan of "dandy" and "swell"... I hear the rhyme scheme there and the meaning behind the lyrics work well. I just think those words are somewhat antiquated and sound awkward. You can probably get by with minor tweaks, rather than a complete rewrite. IDK, food for thought.
Heather  
14 Sep 2008 06:17 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Licks: 2
Karma: 19
Well, I usually can only pull off slower sad songs other then 'Wasted whisky' :D so I'm used to writing them for performance really. But seeming as I write depressing songs about hartbrake, it makes me like yours, epeicially:


'I think you are tired of living life that way.
You can trust in the provider to keep you day by day.
It's never ever easy to give your life away.
But if we're gonna be talking easy, what is, anyway?'

That's definately my favourate part, apert from I think never andever being right next to each other it rymes too much for my personal taste. On paper though I'm not sure myself if I like swell, but I think if it was performed and you knew how to use the tones right you could make people like it, you definately won't know that unless you here your self sing it which I'm sure you must have done.
TheAmericanBrit  
18 Sep 2008 21:19 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
United States
Karma: 1
bump


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