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Watching The Doubles [Not quite as good as my first song]

Songwriting
Nutter166  
25 Aug 2008 18:16 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
Sitting on the curb with you,
Staring at the double yellows,
Instead of you.
Watching out for those,
Double figures on the plates,
Of cars passing-by.

Goodbye,
You said to me,
See you on the otherside;
Your eyes told me,
That you wished I just go,
Away and ruin another life.

So I walked away,
Saving you the trouble I brought with me,
Everytime I saw you.

Now I stand,
Where we once sat as friends,
Still watching for those plates;
To beat you to the punch.
Staring at the double yellows,
I hear your voice say to me;
It'll all be alright you'll see me again.

Goodbye,
You said to me.
All those years ago,
On the otherside of the wall.

I walked back to that place,
Weeks of stuble on my face,
Showing signs of a restless night.

Laying down thinking of you,
Still seeing those yellow lines,
You haunt me forever;
The ground around me is littered,
A Vast field of glittering points,
And leaking fluid;

Goodbyes,
Are best unspoken;
Your voice speaks oncemore,
The bottom of another bottle,
Sought to chase away the dawn.

I came to walk to you,
With open arms and grace;
But your false smile fractured,
Showing your disgust at my face.

Goodbye,
I whispered to you,
For the final time;
I've walked away.

I sit here oncemore,
Alone at the dawn of this morning;
Staring at the double lines and being,
A soul in mourning.

Well..that was all inspired today when I sat with my band's singer on the curb ahaha..and well the first verse is about us now..then it goes on to how I see us in the future :|
Need to go back over it and sort the flow, I can hear how it's gone in my head...try and think of it like sung in the style of 'Alexisonfire'.
Phip  
25 Aug 2008 18:32 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Geez Nutter your conclusion is that she will inevitably dump you?
What happened to the girl in the picture a couple of weeks ago. you were all in love and everything! Is this the same girl?
Hello, Dr. Phil?...I got this friend and............
Nutter166  
25 Aug 2008 18:37 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
Nope..she dumped me last week through text message because she 'felt diffrently' about me and refuses to speak to me or tell me wtf I did :|

The song touches on three things at once:
My relationship with Katie, in a week it went through all that.
My oldest friendship with someone I've know since I was 5 is well..pretty much finished next time I see him I'll probably knock him out.
And well, my band's singer it sort of went like this, the other song was more about that, but now...its just I was with her and it reminded me off all this shit and led to me thinking it will eventually happen to our friendship.

-.- Yay shit week!
Phip  
25 Aug 2008 18:45 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Man, I'm sorry to hear it! The bitch!
Ok as far as the lyrics are concerned there are several verses I like alot, starting with

I walked back to that place,
Weeks of stuble on my face,
Showing signs of a restless night.

and...

Goodbye,
You said to me.
All those years ago,
On the otherside of the wall

and...

Goodbyes,
Are best unspoken;
Your voice speaks oncemore,
The bottom of another bottle,
Sought to chase away the dawn.

The yellow line thing I'm not to big on maybe because it's so specific. Could it be a bit more gerneralized like the curb? It has a kind of double meaning (getting kicked to the curb etc.)

dont' let it get you down, you're "the Fonz" of Whales!
GuitarBoy666  
25 Aug 2008 18:48 | Quote
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Canada
Karma: 2
Dude I really like that!
Lay down some guitar shit for it and eventually bass and drums and it will be a hit. I know it.
Nutter166  
25 Aug 2008 18:51 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
I PHail with a captial PH =P

Thanks PHip, lol, the double-yellow thing is just...how it all tied together and how the song started off in my head I see your point that.

Stange thing is, the parts you picked..are the parts that I have gone through, I keep going back to the sameplaces in my head, when I go out, I have 2weeks of stuble and I havn't slept in 10days. My girlfriend said goodbye to me in person on the otherside of her garden fence, then broke-up with me over the 'wall' of the faceless message.
I've also gotten heavily into drinking again...I've been quiteing the voices and throughts with booze, so chasing the bottle.

EDIT: Thank you Ko =]
BodomBeachTerror  
25 Aug 2008 18:58 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
Lessons: 2
Licks: 1
Karma: 25
you wont find the answers to your problems at the bottom of a bottle
Nutter166  
25 Aug 2008 18:59 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
I know : been there before but atleast its not drugs again...

Vocal..style..
Phip  
25 Aug 2008 19:02 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Nutter,
I'm not gonna preach to you because that would suck, but just because a chick breaks up with you doesn't mean there is something wrong with YOU! You're a talented guy, everyone here in this forum knows this just from your posts. you got the humor thing going and you're a deep thinker. So SCREW HER and any other broad who can't see your worth!
I used to be just like you, no shit, and i can tell you this, eventually you'll figure out just how cool each of us is in their own way and the trick is to find chicks smart enough to know this. don't waste any time trying to figure out what's wrong with you, because there is NOTHING wrong with you. Meanwhile it does make for some serious lyrics. Drop the booze, finish this song and then write some lyrics about how freeaking great life is gonna be.
That will be 175.00 please
One of your many friends here,
Phip
Nutter166  
25 Aug 2008 19:06 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
=] God..I love you guys sometimes not in a gay why but your like...the friends I wish I had in school haha.

Well...at the moment I've been drinking alot because alot of shits come up I could be homeless by christmas is the main thing, but then theres the end of a real old relationship and shit..so :| the chick thing triggered it off though. I've always been bullied verbally and physically for who I am so I've always questioned whats wrong with me ahah can't really fight what's beaten into you so easily :P

=] Thanks again guys.
Nutter166  
26 Aug 2008 07:54 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
Update! Woo, well not much I can say, just went through singing the song and making changes as I went, pretty much ever otherline has had a small change =] I like it now haha.

Sitting on the curb with you,
Staring at the double yellows,
Instead of you.
Watching out for those,
Double figures on those plates,
That passed us by.

Goodbye,
You said to me,
See you on the otherside;
Your eyes told me,
That you wished I would just go-away,
ruin one elses life.

So I walked away,
Saving you from the trouble,
Of asking me to leave.

Now I stand,
Where we once sat as friends,
Still watching for those plates;
To beat you to the punch.
Staring at the double yellows,
I hear your voice say to me;
It'll be alright you'll see me again sometime.

Goodbye,
You said to me.
All those years-ago,
On the otherside of the wall.

I walked back to that place,
Weeks of stuble on my face,
Showing signs of restless nights.

Laying down now I think of you,
Still seeing those yellow lines;
You haunt me forever,
A ghost within my mind.
The ground around me is littered now,
A Vast field of glittering,
Peaks and lakes.

Goodbyes,
Are best unspoken;
Your voice speaks oncemore,
The bottom of another bottle,
Sought to chase away the dawn.

I went to walk to you,
With open arms and grace;
But your false smile fractured,
Showing your distaste,
At seeing my face.

Goodbye,
I whispered to you,
For the final time;
I've walked away now,
Out of your blue eyes.

I sit here oncemore,
Alone on the curb;
Staring at the doublelines,
A soul lost in the morning.
Empirism  
26 Aug 2008 13:56 | Quote
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Finland
Lessons: 4
Karma: 35
You are not dead. And that makes you only more stronger.
We cant fight against life, its too strong... but we can resist it, raise a shield against it and wait when it got better mood.

Ive too been on the drinks and stoned 24/7 for samekind of shit you been through... and got up my feet only to see that for every shit things you experience, better things will be born later.

Optimism? why not? :P

and what comes up the lyrics... Phenomenal.
Nutter166  
27 Aug 2008 03:05 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
Thanks emp =] Got the guitar all tabbed out yay! Just need to work on the ending riff -.- tis weak aha.
CTown  
29 Aug 2008 00:45 | Quote
Joined: 14 Jul 2008
United States
Licks: 1
Karma: 1
I like it, tweaking wouldn't hurt, but you got a solid framework.
Nutter166 says:
With open arms and grace;
But your false smile fractured,
Showing your distaste,
At seeing my face.


I really like these lines specifically, though could use a stronger opening. Imagery, you know? Like, "I ran to embrace you" or "I grasped for you embrace." Shitty examples, I know. But this is off the top of my head, and I'm drunk. But do you see what I'm getting at? You have have deep and provoking lyrics in there, but the only real visuals I have are of street paint, license plates, and "her distaste". I guess that line sticks out in my head b/c your lyrics progressively get better.

The part were you say: "Goodbyes, Are best unspoken;..." that whole verse got better every time I read it and honestly, it shocked me that you can come up with that type of thing at only 16 (yeah, I had to check to your profile to see your age and @ 16 I don't think I'd ever write something like that). Then, the opening line of the next verse was kind of a let down...picked back up after, but still. Open your mind, catch the essence of the moments you had w/ this girl that inspired you, dig deep and relay tangible expressions to your audience.

On a personal note, I think everyone hits bottom at some point in time, but it's how you react that'll make you who you are. You are stronger than you know. Nutter, you will break your share of girls hearts...whether you realize it or not, want to or not. Just, don't get hung up in trying to figure out where/what went wrong... It'll keep you from moving on and being yourself. (even if it inspires good song writing).
Nutter166  
29 Aug 2008 05:59 | Quote
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Wales
Licks: 2
Karma: 14
Thanks CTown =] I see what you mean, I'm not to happy with that bit myself but couldn't quite say what I mean .-. it's sort of like....I haven't seen her in years since she left me behind the 'wall' and I went to talk to her but she wasn't happy...if you get me :=|

It's all been delt with before .-. the seeing someone and getting alook of distaste, seeking the solice of another bottle, etc. I'll work more on the verse =]

Thanks for the words of encouragement and kind words of support, I thought I was over Katie then I heard I song on the radio I only ever listened to with her and it just made me feel like shit all day =[

.-. bit of work not really sure what to make of it this time -.-

Sitting on the curb with you,
Staring at those double yellows,
Instead of you.
Watching out for those,
Double figures on those plates,
That passed us by.

Goodbye,
You said to me,
See you on the otherside;
But your eyes told me,
That you wished I would just go-away,
Ruin someone elses life.

So I walked away,
Saving you from the trouble,
Of asking me to leave.

Now I stand,
Where we once sat as friends,
Still watching for those plates;
To beat you to the punch.
Staring at those lines now,
Faded like our love.
I hear your voice say to me;
It'll be alright you'll see me again sometime.

Goodbye,
You said to me.
All those years-ago,
On the otherside of the wall.

I walked back to that place,
Weeks of stuble on my face,
Showing signs of restless nights.

Laying down now I think of you,
Still seeing that broken place,
Where you left me for a lover.
You haunt me forever,
A ghost within my mind.
The ground around me is littered now,
A Vast field of glittering,
Peaks and lakes.

Goodbyes,
Are best unspoken;
Your voice speaks oncemore,
The bottom of another bottle,
Sought to chase away the dawn.

I fought me way to you,
Seeking your open arms,
To be embraced;
But your false smile fractured,
Showing your distaste,
At seeing my face.

Goodbye,
I whispered to you,
For the final time;
I've walked away now,
Out of your blue eyes.

I sit here oncemore,
Alone on the curb;
Staring at the reminders of the past,
A soul lost in the morning.


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