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What do you all think of my lyrics?

Songwriting
Heather  
24 Aug 2008 12:01 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
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Hey all, I decided to see what you all think of this song I had to write for music in September. It has to be in the style of 'Brit pop' of which I think I might be strugleing with as I can't personally stand the stuff. my teacher told us to have lines ryme afater a line later. I'd appreciate any suggestions, feedback, etc, but BE NICE! Okay? I'm watching you, baudelaire! :P

Verse 1:

There you were,
Talkn' with her,
Just like, we, used to,
It still hurts to see,

Chorus:

Well, I should've known,
We would never last,
Relaions, would've never grown,
But it seems, you're now, movin' fast,

Verse 2:

Do you remember a time,
When you said, I need you,
when you were, mine,
'cause I do, need you too,

(repeat chorus)


And with my chords, I'm thinking I'm going to use all the following repeating as I'm still just a beginner, only the first time I play all through them will be the intro and then I'll repeat all the way through, only at the outro it'll instead go simply: C (x3203x), G(32003), Cm (xx5543), G (32003).

intro/basic: G(32003), Gmaj (x43203), C (xx5543), Amaj (02020), C (x2003x)

Although the outro C orignally was wrote as Cadd9, I'm not sure what that is so please if you know tell me so I can try it out.
GuitarBoy666  
24 Aug 2008 12:06 | Quote
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Canada
Karma: 2
I think you just need to add more to it all.

When people hear it: "It still hurts to see" ... See what? I think you should add a few lines after that.

Chorus, and verse two, same thing.

It's always good to have a little bit of a long verse (not too long) before the chorus.
Heather  
24 Aug 2008 12:10 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
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Karma: 19
Okay, I'll try that out, I thought that at first but then my music teacher hated people doing that, but never mind! I hate short ones.
Heather  
24 Aug 2008 12:11 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Licks: 2
Karma: 19
Cadd9, I'm using Gmaj so nobody worry about answering that now.
Heather  
24 Aug 2008 12:14 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
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Karma: 19
Okay, so now I just found an earlier version, who prefers it?

Verse 1:

There you were,
With me, off your mind,
Talkin’, with her,

Just like, we used to,

Chorus:

Do you remember a time, our time,
When you said, I need you,
Will you remember our time,
When you, were mine,
‘cause, I do,
Need you, too,

Just like, we, used too,

I need you

Verse 2:

But then, by the end of, today,
She remains, with you,
But all the while, you’ll be the one,
On my mind,

(Repeat chorus)
baudelaire  
24 Aug 2008 12:22 | Quote
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Brazil
Karma: 2
generic.
GuitarBoy666  
24 Aug 2008 12:39 | Quote
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Canada
Karma: 2
I think you should fuse the older version in with the new version.
I do that with a LOT of my lyrics (did it last night with a new song I'm working on)
Phip  
24 Aug 2008 12:42 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
@Baudelaire
LOL, just couldn't resist could you?
I think generic was the whole idea of the lesson.

@Heather,
I like em both but if you want to capture the british pop theme you need to add a few Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's ya know? Just kidding.
I guess i like the first one better except for these two lines....
"Relaions, would've never grown,
But it seems, you're now, movin' fast,"
I might have used this....
Love would never have grown
But it seems you're moving too fast
blah blah blah
Phip
BodomBeachTerror  
24 Aug 2008 13:44 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
Canada
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i dont quite understand this part

"But then, by the end of, today,
She remains, with you,
But all the while, you’ll be the one,
On my mind"

at first it says "SHE remains, with you", so the 'you' obviously reffers to a guy, then it says "YOU'LL be the one.." so its kinda confusing.. but otherwise i like it
telecrater  
24 Aug 2008 16:44 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
United States
Lessons: 8
Karma: 13
Great start!!!

I have to agree some of the lines don't make alot os sence but that's ok you can always rewrite some lines or leave them in.

I believe in leaving stuff open like on the Line "It still hurts to see" & BG stated "See what?". I think you should leave it if you can resolve that question by the end of the song. your kind of telling the listener to "keep listeing you bum"

Keep up the good work
GuitarBoy666  
24 Aug 2008 19:01 | Quote
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Canada
Karma: 2
Aha nice tele "keep listening you bum" xD

But you do make a good point, because a lot of songs have something (like a problem) around the start, then the end is different (resolved) so you could do that.

@BBT:
I think what she means is that even though "she" is with "him", "he" will be on Heather's mind (assuming that she is writing about herself).
BodomBeachTerror  
24 Aug 2008 23:24 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
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ohhhh, right. Heather is a girl =p makes sense then lol. my bad
Heather  
25 Aug 2008 05:37 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
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lol! Of course I'm a girl! I don't think there must be too many boys named after big pretty country side flowers! Well, at least I hope not as the poor boy would get a lot of grief for that I'd imagine...

thanks for the feedback! I reckon I could actually throw in a few 'yeah, yeah yehs!' and a real 'Keep listening you bum!' those seem to be my favourate sugetions :P

Heather  
25 Aug 2008 05:59 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
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Okay, now I've got people where I am saying they prefer different parts. While I don't even know what I prefer myself!

this 2nd verse:

'But then, by the end of, today,
She remains, with you,
But all the while, you’ll be the one,
On my mind,'

Or this:

Do you remember a time,
When you said, I need you,
When you were, mine,
'cause I do, need you, too

Apart from that I've about stuck with the first one I showed but have just changed the first verse back into the older version' and took Phip's idea (sadl not the yeah, yeah yeah's... :( my freinds would'nt let me)
BodomBeachTerror  
25 Aug 2008 16:18 | Quote
Joined: 27 May 2008
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lol i wasnt paying attention 2 who posted it
Notim  
25 Aug 2008 18:00 | Quote
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
United States
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I really havent been into writing lyrics in quite some time (got into instrumentals)but not to bad..sounds personal,and thats good
aterrell  
11 Sep 2008 15:00 | Quote
Joined: 08 May 2008
United States
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I would recommend lengthening the verses, unless its a slower tempo, then you might be fine. I think you need another verse, so you could do verse, verse, chorus, verse, chorus and maybe throw in another chorus after that, but I would have to hear it before I recommend it.
baudelaire  
11 Sep 2008 15:11 | Quote
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Brazil
Karma: 2
remember: your emotions and experiences are almost CERTAINLY generic. which means people will relate to them, which means they will buy your album, but as soon as the new person singing generic, relatable, lyrics come along, you will be forgotten.

try not to sing about your emotions and experiences, unless you have some that you know as a fact are fairly rare, or you're aiming to be generic and make some cash.
TheAmericanBrit  
11 Sep 2008 16:44 | Quote
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
United States
Karma: 1
Not really my thing.

What I like to do when talking about relationships and what not is use metaphors.

I generally won't write straight up about that kind of stuff.

6/10
Heather  
14 Sep 2008 10:12 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
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Well I've really been taught to have only 3 verses for that one, but never mind, I wrote a new one altogether and it's completely better then this. But thanks for the tips anyway.

I did actually only do this for a final but major music project for this year in music as it's my last school year and everyone loves it. But it's sort of great I suppose that you all thought it was about something I've been through, it actually was'nt I just look at whats going on when I write stuff and mae it about any person I know but discuise that fact, I made it for the music so people could imagine it's not me singing (although in performance it'd have to be or I got nothing!) but they don't know who it is either, so then the poeple in class I personally know have no idea who it is and so juat makes them focus on the genuine emotion and don't go all thinknig nothing but what I've been up to, then they just ignore the music as they day-dream. Anyway, I'm very happy with my new song thanks everyone.
Phip  
14 Sep 2008 10:24 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
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Moderator
Heather,
so....let's see the new song. don't tease!
Phip
Heather  
15 Sep 2008 15:20 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
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Okay, I'll create put it in a fresh thread right now.


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