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I just wanted some opinions on these lyrics i have devised.

Songwriting
CaseyJones  
24 Jul 2008 22:19 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
Here's the lyrics I just finished, it's very slow and mellow it's called "Luna Park"


Luna Park


Hold my hand. I'll walk you out farther
Farther and farther into the dark.
I'll walk you into, Luna Park.
Where they sit and drink, and smoke till dark
The fire burns so deeply deep,
As the songbird cry's itself to sleep.
Come with me to Luna Park.
I promise you girl we'll go on a trip



The Girls of Eden abide here too.
Alone in a hut, alone with you.
Love has been made for days and days.
Peace is intimate in many ways.

Luna park is the place to be……….Full of Life, Love, and the pursuit
Of Nothing

Luna herself shone brightest of all, she never quit shinning and never.
Will fall
whistlebug23  
24 Jul 2008 22:52 | Quote
Joined: 25 May 2008
United States
Karma
Good stuff, but lines 3 and 4 may need change.
I'll think about something, maybe I can help.
Empirism  
24 Jul 2008 23:51 | Quote
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Finland
Lessons: 4
Karma: 35
I liked it. Rhymic, bit mystic and romantic. Very nice.
I think its guite good to arrange as well.
Skold  
25 Jul 2008 00:14 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
Seems pretty easy to add a rhythm to it.
telecrater  
25 Jul 2008 06:32 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
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nice job. I like the way it flows.
Pager  
25 Jul 2008 08:52 | Quote
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Australia
Karma
i like it but does it hav 2 b luna park...y not the park...or hyde park...or something??? well it depends wat genre ur planning on having it...
blackholesun  
25 Jul 2008 10:42 | Quote
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
United Kingdom
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They are really good. They seem quite dark and eerie, I think it reads like something you might find on "Damnation" by Opeth.

Luna Park is an awesome name! I don't know if it's a real place, but it could be a metaphor for somewhere else, maybe a place spiritually inside someone. I like the ambiguity and mystery it has surrounding it.
CaseyJones  
25 Jul 2008 11:23 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
well i came up with it while listnig to "Moonlight Drive" by the doors, and i got the idea of a place, kind of dark, romantic, psycadelic and stuff, where the moon is always shining, and i came up with the name Luna Park, and i looked it up and it turns out that there was a place in the 30s called luna park out at coney island, but its supposed to be a real smooth, tansadental, and psycadelic song
Pager  
27 Jul 2008 07:44 | Quote
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Australia
Karma
hahahahahaha...
well u noe were the SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE is rite? u noe it but? well, theres a theme park called LUNA PARK rite next to it...AND theres likea big place inside that theme park called CONEY ISLAND...lol...so yeh LUNA PARK = THEME PARK
goatrider  
28 Jul 2008 18:40 | Quote
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
United States
Karma
Pager says:
hahahahahaha...
well u noe were the SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE is rite? u noe it but? well, theres a theme park called LUNA PARK rite next to it...AND theres likea big place inside that theme park called CONEY ISLAND...lol...so yeh LUNA PARK = THEME PARK


LOL - kids say the darndest things...

anyways, i really like the lyrics, very unique and intersting, good job man.

CaseyJones  
28 Jul 2008 19:27 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
thanks man
baudelaire  
16 Aug 2008 21:59 | Quote
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Brazil
Karma: 2
cliche, themeless, metrically unsound, and line 5 makes me want to forget the english language.
Skold  
17 Aug 2008 00:57 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
Let's see you do better, baud.
baudelaire  
17 Aug 2008 02:06 | Quote
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Brazil
Karma: 2
*grabs notebook*

and did mighty triton his promise thus keep?
with the angst of the storm and the thralls of the deep?
did the serpent, called, answer from his fitful sleep?
did the lightning descend with a crash and a leap?

blithely did they sail with no off'ring for neptune
their voyage ill blessed and being thusly doomed
but the sun gives no token of that which now looms
and sail on they did to their watery tombs

how they did stutter as the skys began to rain
memory of their folly blood from their face drained
and they cried, cried, cried to the skies, all but in vain
and the moans of their woe became their refrain

how in fear they all trembled, from captain to slave!
the few that were faithless still struggled to be brave
rather to be slaughtered, and in arrogance slain
then to be led as the rest like a lamb to its grave

against the dread storm they valiantly fought
knowing well that their battle still amounted to naught
and from their passion, in others passion wrought.
and so close to their death, to combat were brought

and struggled they did, against tritons plot
and angrily stared in the face of a god
nearing their deaths, their doom they forgot
and stood resolute, to the wrath of a god!

and did mighty triton his promise thus keep?
with the angst of the storm and the thralls of the deep?
did the serpent, called, answer from his fitful sleep?
did the lightning descend with a crash and a leap?

and did mighty triton his promise thus keep?
baudelaire  
17 Aug 2008 02:08 | Quote
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Brazil
Karma: 2
bad example
Skold  
17 Aug 2008 02:44 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
not a bad example, just a bad writer.
JustJeff  
17 Aug 2008 08:14 | Quote
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I see a thread hijack in the works!

I'm not a fan of couplet writing... just because it seems so methodical. Sometimes it seems like you are forcing rhyming in some lines. For example, in your quatrain (which may be your chorus?), the last line seems out of place, just to complete a forced rhyme.


Love has been made for days and days.
Peace is intimate in many ways.


I'm sure you can find a better way to close out this line. It just doesn't kick me anywhere... sorta leaves me hanging in a sense. Finish it out with a bang! Give me something that's gonna give me what I want!

Skold, Please don't follow baud around and attack him in every thread he posts. Just ignore the kid, and move on with the actual purpose of this thread which was the review the lyrics of the thread op. Not to flame baudelaire at his own personal writing.
CaseyJones  
17 Aug 2008 18:14 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
baudelaire says:
cliche, themeless, metrically unsound, and line 5 makes me want to forget the english languagequote]








thanks for the critisism man, i knew it sucked, but i didnt think i was that bad of a writer. and please, explain yourself.

im not a big fan of couplet writing either, i dont usually write in couplets, but it was just this one time i did that.
Skold  
17 Aug 2008 18:32 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
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I wasn't, Jeff. I was replying to him because I happened to be in this thread.
Phip  
17 Aug 2008 19:03 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
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@CaseyJones

Seems to me there are very few writers who get it right on the very first shot. Usually if you look at hand written lyrics on a scrap of paper by some of the greats (including Dylan) you'll find they have scratched out one word here and there and changed it with another. The thing to do IMO is just what you did. Get it down on paper and then pick away at it when you get a chance until you have something you really like. Keep it up like that and in time you'll have a rich lyrical vocabulary.
Phip
CaseyJones  
17 Aug 2008 19:23 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
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thanks man, ya know that really helps, i think im gonna go check it out right now and fiddle around with it, work with it, thanks man
CTown  
17 Aug 2008 22:26 | Quote
Joined: 14 Jul 2008
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@Casey: the Luna Park idea is good stuff. I did get the same feeling of forced rhymes as Jeff. Also, little repetitive (ie dark, deeply deep, further) open it up like Phip says and it will start to flow. One more thing is that the lyrics are confusing:
"The Girls of Eden abide here too.
Alone in a hut, alone with you."
How many people are alone in this hut in the park making love?
At any rate you have some good beginnings...keep on polishing.

@baudelaire: Is that really your work? Is this song really about Jason and the Argonauts? Interesting, but hard for people to relate to today. I felt like I was reading poetry written by Yoda from Star Wars. And as a minor thing is Triton also the the roman name for Posiedon/Neptune?
baudelaire  
17 Aug 2008 23:01 | Quote
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Brazil
Karma: 2
yes, triton is neptune is poseidon. it is my work, never got around to revising it. it's from a really, really old notebook, most of the rest sucked and i wouldn't show them to you. it's not about any specific myth, just a poetic doodle of mine.

i don't read much modern poetry, my favorites are 18th-19th century poets, such as, poe, obviously baudelaire, keats, blake, byron, wilde etc. the manner in which they write and speak is different then the modern way. it's more ornate and inefficient. i was also reading the classic poetry, or trying to, at the time. iliad, the odes, aenead, hector. that probably made me think along those lines.
Calvin  
18 Aug 2008 04:35 | Quote
Joined: way back
Slovenia
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baudelaire says:
yes, triton is neptune is poseidon.

actually it's not.Neptune is a roman equivalent of a greek sea god Poseidon.Triton, on the other hand, was Poseidon/Neptune's son and one of the minor aquatic deities in greek/roman mythology.
ThePusher  
18 Aug 2008 07:01 | Quote
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Canada
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Good call man, another mythology buff, it is idiotic to say that Triton and Poseidon are one when it is so clearly stated that they are father and son, I also disagree with Neptune is Poseidon because they were "equivalent" beings in 2 different cultures mythology saying that is like today saying the Christian "God" is the Hindi overlord Vishnu they're so blatantly different, then again I could just be rambling on cause it's 5:01AM where I am XD
baudelaire  
18 Aug 2008 13:17 | Quote
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Brazil
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hmm. you learn something new every day.

but, that does not make you a mythology buff.
CTown  
18 Aug 2008 13:52 | Quote
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Sorry, that was my fault... I wrote too quickly. My question was that I knew Triton as the Greek name for the son of Poseidon, but was Triton also the name used in the Roman myths as Neptune's son.

I was just thinking you'd want to keep the traditions consistant, which according to Calvin, you are.

Heather  
21 Aug 2008 15:33 | Quote
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
United Kingdom
Licks: 2
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Hey there Casey,

I think they're great lyrics, I can't be too much into being a critic here though as I know more about the form of modern and original country than anything, I doubt this is country!

But I love your lyrics, and if you really want to perform or maybe if yourlucky make an album, I say go for it, work on your music for it and see how it all sounds. I definately seethis being many of my friends sort of hting and the genuine publics, slow, smooth music like this and with the right words you've made people will love it. (After all, manyofmy friends like that annoying James Blunt bloke, they'd have to like this and especially since I'm sure nobody else's voice could possibly be any worse than his! :S)
CaseyJones  
21 Aug 2008 18:17 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
thank you very much, yea its not country, i wrote it or atleast tired to write it with a more psycadelic smooth feel, but thanks, that reall helps.


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