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Some new lyrics

Songwriting
Skold  
16 Jul 2008 08:28 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
I call it, "Then He Smiles...".


"There he goes, learning to fly.
Wonder's why we'll never die.
I guess he will never see, all the things, they never see.
Maybe I will never fly, but that's alright cause I'll never die.
Maybe he will want to be all the things that make me "me".


Then he smiles himself, and it's all alright.
Then he smiles himself, and it's all alright.


Hey! Where did he go?
The things he thinks, I'll never know.
He got up all night long, cause he believes he's never wrong.
I can't say the things I think. But when he's here, I never blink.
I thought I was oh so strong. Then he broke in my heart, where he belongs.


Then he smiles himself, and it's all alright.
Then he smiles himself, and it's all alright.
Then he smiles himself, and it's all alright.
Then he smiles himself, and it's all alright."
JustJeff  
16 Jul 2008 09:43 | Quote
Joined: way back
United States
Lessons: 2
Karma: 21
I have trouble finding the rhythm just by reading the lyrics.

I think you need a better hook when it comes to the chorus. Something more catchy. I mean, think of most of the songs you listen to, it's that last line of the chorus that needs to hit home, and "and it's all alright" isn't really that strong hitting.

See if you can find something that will ring better when you come around to the end. The rest though seems pretty good. Seemed a little off rhythm in some places to what i hear, since i hear a more rappy rock song, such as what "Chronic Future" has. If i'm wrong, than point me in the right direction so i can re-analyze :-P
Skold  
16 Jul 2008 09:59 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
Listen to Oasis' "Rock 'N Roll Star" and "A Bell Will Ring" for the rhythm.

The chords are as follows,

Verse: G

Chorus: Em7, Cadd9, D, G

The vocal melody is just the melody from "Up In The Sky".
foogered  
16 Jul 2008 11:07 | Quote
Joined: 30 Apr 2008
United States
Lessons: 2
Licks: 11
Karma: 9
He jumped! Haha!

That's how I picture this song.
Skold  
16 Jul 2008 11:28 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
lol wut?


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