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My new song take 1

Songwriting
Empirism  
10 Jul 2008 16:27 | Quote
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Finland
Lessons: 4
Karma: 35
Doh!, after couple whiskeys I got enough courage to throw this piece here. I know my shredding and soloing skills need bit improvement. But give me opinions and tips are highly apreciated.

Click here to watch Empirism---Puppets-In-Charge

incase (probably) when you cant get clear the words, heres the lyrics

diamonds are turned to graves
sent to death for glory gained
fields of honor they will die for,
clean their medals with blood, when

babes lost their loves, childrens fathers they love.
crossed their hands every night, too adraid to be cried
letter will end their hope for light, shattered dreams on their cries
sun again takes over the dark, fight for honor say puppets in charge

something to fight for,
give us another war
souls sacrificed for their goals
help their jobs to behold while

babes lost their loves, childrens fathers they love.
crossed their hands every night, too adraid to be cried
letter will end their hope for light, shattered dreams on their cries
sun again takes over the dark, fight for the honor say puppets in charge

industry of weapons that makes
more and more glory to gain
minions of our puppets, show their deeds
cheap as the gold, only peoples are dead and

babes lost their loves, childrens fathers they love.
crossed their hands every night, too adraid to be cried
letter will end their hope for light, shattered dreams on their cries
sun again takes over the dark, fight for the honor say puppets in charge
foogered  
10 Jul 2008 18:08 | Quote
Joined: 30 Apr 2008
United States
Lessons: 2
Licks: 11
Karma: 9
The way you sing, I almost expected you to be speaking in a different language. Your voice reminds me of German industrial vocals.

My only advice would be (and don't take this the wrong way) break up the monotony. Throw in a chorus or something, but you need to deviate from the one chord progression the song follows, maybe even a key change after the solo.

Other than that, great work. Sound quality was very good, and you did a nice job fitting all the pieces together.
jcb3000  
10 Jul 2008 18:10 | Quote
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
United Kingdom
Karma: 4
interesting vocals and powerful lyrics, greatt sounds quality too!
telecrater  
10 Jul 2008 19:16 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
United States
Lessons: 8
Karma: 13
I thought it was interesting. The music reminded me of the 70's rock and the vocal reminded me of napalm death. I'm not sure if that was what you were going for. The lyrics were pretty powerful but I think the chours part when on a little too long.

Phip  
10 Jul 2008 20:44 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
Yeah,
I think i like it just the way it is. i've listened to it a couple of times. Very powerful all around, lyrics, vocals, playing. Great song for the opening scene of a terminator movie!
Phip
Empirism  
10 Jul 2008 22:51 | Quote
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Finland
Lessons: 4
Karma: 35
Thanks for replies and tips, actually chord progression is the thing ive learned here :), before that my songs was quite an avant garde. Im working on it, but yet im not ready for very complex songs :P

@tele
yeah, i kinda agree, it might be cause of arrangment, its like 1 part A part - 2 part Chorus - 1 part B part, 2 part Chorus and so on.

I actually dont try to follow any style or band, I always have some idea and then I do it my own way :). But I was taken that it reminded 70' rock :P, my favorite.



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