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How about positing a lyric you wrote?

Songwriting
telecrater  
4 May 2008 23:09 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
United States
Lessons: 8
Karma: 13
here is a verse form a song i wrote/writing. It has a contry feel even though that's not what i listen too.

Her words seemed so hollow
Her words rang true
I didn't see it coming
and neither would have you
I've burnt so many bridges
and I mend no fence
Failure has always been
My greatest success

Any input would be great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KicknGuitar  
4 May 2008 23:31 | Quote
Joined: 13 Dec 2007
Lessons: 6
Karma: 1
What kind of input? Critical? If not don't read the rest of my post.

You started off with some hard rhymes, but the scheme of rhyming seemed to change up towards the end. Is this an excerpt from a longer piece? It feels too bland in all honesty. The first line struck me quite well, but you tapered off. It would have been nice to hear more what kind of words and/or what affect they had upon you. In other words, you jumped from the woman's words to your failure, but the audience doesn't know what or why. I don't feel a full connection here, so you could say a lack of clarity. I do enjoy the flip of Failure and success though, great concept.
Skold  
5 May 2008 01:02 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
People try to put us down. TALKIN' BOUT MY GENERATION!

j/k.


But in all seriousness,

"Now that he's gone, will you cry in your hands as he's singin his song? Where you now? Where are you?".
telecrater  
5 May 2008 09:30 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
United States
Lessons: 8
Karma: 13
Ok so that tune i call "dope smoking Country song" but may rename it to "stoned out of my mind" Above is the first verse.

KicknGuitar says:
It would have been nice to hear more what kind of words and/or what affect they had upon you. In other words, you jumped from the woman's words to your failure, but the audience doesn't know what or why.


My intention is not to have a finally in the first verse because i wanted to keep the listener listening. I feel the course may be a little cliche. I have 2 verses i'll post the rest sepreately.
telecrater  
5 May 2008 09:31 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
United States
Lessons: 8
Karma: 13
Dope Smoking Country Song

(Verse I)
her words seemed so hollow, her words rang true
I did not see it coming, and neither would have you
you know Iíve burnt a lot of bridges, and I mend no fence
failure has always been my greatest success

(Chorus)
I Drink so I won't think
I get High so I won't drive
I hit the bong like cheech and Chong
Getting stoned out of my mind
Getting stoned out of my mind

(Verse II)
You know Iíve packed up my bags, I've loaded up my truck
If this is really goodbye, wish you the best of luck
I never meant to hurt you, I never meant no wrong
Before I go I want to leave you this song

(Chorus)
I Drink so I won't think
I get High so I won't drive
I hit the bong like cheech and Chong
Getting stoned out of my mind
Getting stoned out of my mind

(Bridge In progress....¨)
I flying from this town
I'm running from your touch
I'll numb this pain
with good old Mary Jane
I've got one foot in the gutter
the others on the fast track to hell
les_paul  
5 May 2008 09:40 | Quote
Joined: 14 Feb 2008
United States
Lessons: 3
Licks: 2
Karma: 11
I thought it sounded a little country.
Skold  
5 May 2008 11:14 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
"I flying from this town" should go "I'm flyin' away from this town".
soy.el.che  
5 May 2008 13:13 | Quote
Joined: way back
Mexico
Lessons: 1
Karma: 9
"im flyin away of town" id say
Phip  
5 May 2008 15:04 | Quote
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
United States
Lessons: 1
Karma: 45
Moderator
telecrater says:
I hit the bong like cheech and Chong


I can't get off the floor i'm laughing so hard! i love that line!
telecrater  
2 Jun 2008 09:57 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
United States
Lessons: 8
Karma: 13
Ok, I came across some demos i had for this song. I suck at singing but would like some feed back. the webpage has 2 diffrent into tunes one Acoustic and one Electric. I'm leading toward the Acoustic, but please i would love to know what you guys think.

http://www.freewebs.com/stonedtrout/mymusic.htm
GuitarBoy666  
2 Jun 2008 10:20 | Quote
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Canada
Karma: 2
I have a huge page with a bunch of lyric pieces on them, I never came up with a full song for them either.

"I'm goin' on a hellride tonight,
No stoppin' me without a fight"

It sucks I know haha
CaseyJones  
2 Jun 2008 10:35 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
heres one ive been working on

She gleamed her eyes when she walked my way
with a body like morning and a smile like day
She'd been to heaven, hell, and back
Straight to eden where she's at
I think i have time, she called me her way
Into the garden is where i wall stay
With my.....
Eden Girl



thats just somehnin ive been mulling and adding to
Skold  
2 Jun 2008 11:13 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
@CJ

That's BEAUTIFUL, man.
telecrater  
2 Jun 2008 11:13 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
United States
Lessons: 8
Karma: 13
Here is section from a song i wrote called "Loaded Gun". It was originally about suicide and sounded too much like a pro-suicide thing so i changed it up a bit. I'm still working on 3rd verse.

(Verse)
Seasons Change and So have I
Misprint these thougths into your lies
If you look in please don't look too hard
This fleshless wound has come to scar

(chorus)
I Can't feel these chains that bind
Following forward for leading behind
Freedoms not found in a loaded gun
powder tastes sweet but burns your tongue
Freedoms not found in a loaded gun
barrel tastes sweet but burns your tongue

(Verse II)
Iím am one fallen on bended knees
I pray, but nothing answers me
Distort the silence I think Iím through
The mirror reflects a disappointed view
telecrater  
2 Jun 2008 11:14 | Quote
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
United States
Lessons: 8
Karma: 13
Yeah CaseyJones very well done with eaden girl.

I like how visual your words are. I can almost see her.
CaseyJones  
2 Jun 2008 11:25 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
thank you people

Doz  
2 Jun 2008 11:27 | Quote
Joined: way back
United Kingdom
Karma: 10
Hey Tele, I like the chorus.
CaseyJones  
2 Jun 2008 11:28 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
yea tele, the chorus is really good, very metaphorical and you can see the raw emotion put into it, very good
Skold  
2 Jun 2008 11:30 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
A song I called "Company"

"Would you come stay with me? I'll keep you throughout the night.
Will you keep me company? I don't wanna be here tonight.
I'd like to lay by your side, and hope the morning never comes.
I wanna go away and hide. The songbird's flying as he hums.

We could ride through the night though the day is sure to come.
I don't really care cause I'm riding through the sun.
Shine with me. I'll love you to the end.
Just say you'll keep me company.

I called you for a morning tea, though you always decline.
Just want yer in my arms with me. Will you ever be mine?
The summer's got the time we need. Sunday morning's coming down.
I could never let it be. Will you ever come around?

We could ride through the night though the day is sure to come.
I don't really care cause I'm riding through the sun.
Shine with me. I'll love you to the end.
Just say you'll keep me company."
CaseyJones  
2 Jun 2008 11:39 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
dude love the chorus and the first verse, second verse is cool to. i like the themes and the metaphors, and the over all feel
Skold  
2 Jun 2008 11:52 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
Thanks, mate. I'll post what I've recorded for the song (bass, drums, guitar) in a bit.
DarkRiff  
2 Jun 2008 12:02 | Quote
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
United States
Licks: 2
Karma: 12
why does almost every song in this topic, have to do with women, come on guys get the METAL in stuff like

What is this that stands before me?
Figure in black which points at me
Turn around quick, and start to run
Find out I'm the chosen one
Oh nooo!
Big black shape with eyes of fire
Telling people their desire
Satan's sitting there, he's smiling
Watches those flames get higher and higher
Oh no, no, please God help me!
Is it the end, my friend?
Satan's coming 'round the bend
People running 'cause they're scared
The people better go and beware!
No, no, please, no!

From Black Sabbath's Heavy Metal Masterpiece "Black Sabbath"

I personally am not a lyric writer though I still have to find a singer for my band.
Skold  
2 Jun 2008 12:11 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
Alright, here's something I wrote for this "Manson Metal" project of mine

-----------------------

"The world stands still.
The world is dead to me.
The people are blind.
The people are nothing to me.


Just open your eyes, and take this in.


We are all dead.
We are all wrong.
We did this.
We screwed us all.

We are all dead.
We are all wrong.
We did this.
We screwed us all.


The world is void.
The world is going nowhere.
The people are insane.
The people are nowhere to be found.


If we stand on by, no one will change.


We are all dead.
We are all wrong.
We did this.
We screwed us all.

We are all dead.
We are all wrong.
We did this.
We screwed us all.

We were mad.
We were the undoubtful ending.
We were there.
We were here to screw it up"
DarkRiff  
2 Jun 2008 12:13 | Quote
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
United States
Licks: 2
Karma: 12
I 'm not a big manson fan, actually, I despise him with a passion but good lyrics :)
Skold  
2 Jun 2008 12:19 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
I love a lot of their music, but I'm not really into the "shock-rock" image. Still, different strokes for different folks.
CaseyJones  
2 Jun 2008 12:22 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
im not a big metal person, im more mellow, and stuff
Skold  
2 Jun 2008 12:32 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
You seem like a Led Zeppelin kind of man.
CaseyJones  
2 Jun 2008 12:35 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
i am, i love zeppelin, i like how they can be super hard core, and mellow and smooth at the same time
Skold  
2 Jun 2008 12:37 | Quote
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
United States
Karma: 3
Yeah, they kick plenty of ass, and don't have to have some huge shocking image to prove it.
DarkRiff  
2 Jun 2008 13:05 | Quote
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
United States
Licks: 2
Karma: 12
yeah, Zeppelin can be mellow like their song Dazed and Confused.
CaseyJones  
2 Jun 2008 13:08 | Quote
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
United States
Karma
and like no quarter and stuff, i love them ,yea they have a really mixxed image
jamesrue  
16 Jun 2008 16:53 | Quote
Joined: 21 Dec 2007
Licks: 1
Karma
i like the way zepplin use blues in Bring it on Home, but also have this killer rock riff for the verse, it totallly blows.


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